How to Choose the Right Partner. Tips on how to Find The Right Partner. I want you to close your eyes & imagine being in love. Maybe, you have been in love, maybe you hope to be in love. What was that like? Your heart starts beating fast, your stomach gets all weird. You call your your best friend and say, Oh, my gosh, I think I just met the love of my life, in 3 weeks.
We figured that out so quick and we make these very quick decisions. All of our emotion comes *rushing so fast.But then, what happens down the road? We realize, what were we thinking? In fact 50% of marriages fail. Why? Some of my very good friends called me within a week of each other.
And said to me that their marriage of over 10 years had failed, now. Even after everyone else around them knew that they were not making a good decision at that time. My best friend, her mother & I knew over 10 years ago. That the guy that she chose was kind of controlling her.
He was dismissive towards women. And in fact he wanted a woman that would stay home, clean, cook and have their child. And she didn’t like it. She was singing jazz in New York City. She was very happy to have that kind of life. But that’s not what he was really interested in.
“Important tip on how to choose the right partner – The Peter Pan guy”
But anyway, somewhere along the way, she fall in love with him. And so she really sacrificed for the family. She sacrificed for what she thought was the right decision at that time. And 10 years down the road, she realized she didn’t really recognize herself. Then she decided to leave.
Another women asked me the other day? She was complaining, at forty, saying that there was no *good men left. And she mentioned that the only type of men that are out there are the *Peter-Pan guys. The men who, as she told, don’t really want to grow up. That they just do not want to have *kids at all.
They seriously, don’t want to get married, they don’t want to settle down. And she spent most of her time & energy trying to change the Mr Peter-Pan. & she asked, what do I think, why does this happened? Why can’t she fix the situation & why can’t she find anybody. So I told her: right now, how *honest do you want me to be? And she said, “Oh, yes, very honest! I’m really serious.
I want to fix this problem. How do I do this? (Wanted to know how to choose the right partner). That is like spending all their time & energy in people that are happy & satisfied. They are totally fine. Why should they *get married, have kids & settle down? They don’t want that. You do. So, the problem is your focus. The issue is your perspective.
“Dating the unavailable person”
How are we selecting partners? & why are we forcing them to change? Or, why are we ignoring who they are? Or maybe the red flags that are right in front us? I have many women complaining all the time (on how to choose a life partner). In their 30’s, 40’s & even 50’s that they can’t find the man of their dreams. Or woman of their dreams.
There are men complaining that they feel that they’re being really overlooked. Because they are the nice guy, the good guy & the friend. & what they found is that people are dating the unavailable person. The player, you know. The pathological liar, the person who’s already *married. So, we really make all these decisions in our relationships. And don’t really know how to choose the right partner.
And we end up 2/3 years down the road. 10 years down the road, in despair. We struggle hard, to try to find the relationship that we always wanted. May be that leads to marriage. Or just to long term commitment. Why do we repeat this thing over & over again? And the woman that asked me earlier.
That I had mentioned about, that asked my advice about why those things happened. She says: “Oh, no! I don’t date the Peter Pan guys. I just see them out there. Well, except the last two relationships. I actually did date the Peter-pan man.” “Oh, so you did date them. So why do you choose them?”
She couldn’t really explain it. & then she said, No, no, I (don’t really date) them.” “OK, except the last two.” So, she became really defensive in this conversation. And was denying the truth that everyone else around her could see. The people that cared about her the most, her friends, her family.
“Another tips on how to choose the right partner is beware if the red flags”
So I asked, on the path of love, what exactly happens? What do we do? It starts off beautiful, wonderful, perfect. You ‘re totally in love with this person very fast. And then, we see a red flag. But we actually ignore it because we think: No, no it *must be us. We’re crazy. We’re too choosy on how to choose the right partner. But the problem is that our family & friends see it too. And they are concerned on how to find the right partner for you.
They may or may not say anything. And then, what is our response? We attack them. Well, you can never be happy if I am happy. I finally found someone I really love. And you can’t accept it. Well, you just don’t know him. He is different when we are alone. We tell ourselves this all the time.
Then there is a combination of red flags. And we tell ourselves, “Well, all relationships take work.” Which is really true, but we tell ourselves this in a wrong way. So our friends and family express their concern. And what do we do? We attack them. We’re defensive. And then we begin to isolate from them. Then they said, Look, I am really concerned about this person that you’re *dating.
And I really want you to consider it. I also want you to try & pick someone else. Or just end it. & we may even say to ourselves: Yeah, I should end it. I know this person isn’t good for me. But we don’t. So, what happens is, since family or friends, may be anyone in our life, colleges co-workers. *Because they disagree with us & they say, Look, there is a big problem here, we feel embarrassed and we feel ashamed.
“(Next tip on how to choose a life partner) – Listen to people who cares for you”
And so, what do we do? We separate from them. So we don’t go to the friend’s house anymore because they’re always complaining. Then the family also gets angry, then they separate from you. And they stop trying. Finally, we realize too that we were wrong & they were right. And we hate it. It drives us nuts.
Then we go depressed and say, are we ever going to find anybody who is good? And we could have (saved so much time, energy & despair). If only we would try to listen to the people that are around us & try not to be so defensive. Why do we repeat this cycle? Why do we repeat this? Because we do it all the time. Our brain, the same part that controls addiction, also controls our feelings & love.
Because our feelings of love, the really intense connection that we feel with someone, which is truly irrational. We don’t really know them. And don’t really have all those things in common. However, we want to believe that we do. It is same like you being addicted to drugs or alcohol. It is really an addiction, it is. & for whatever reason that might be, we are not wise enough to know it.
We are not wise enough because our emotion & our perception. Our feelings of love controls our brain. Our prefrontal cortex which is at the front portion of your brain. The pre-frontal cortex is the part of the brain that is rational. It makes rational-decisions. So, it tells the another parts of the brain, to knock it off. When you want to hit somebody and then suddenly you realize, nope, that is my boss, I can’t do it.
“Remember the Bachelorette on how to choose the right life partner”
That is your pre frontal cortex telling you, get it out. But we don’t allow the prefrontal cortex to control our heart and emotions. And our feelings of love, so that is how we get in these type of situations. It may be genetics, it could be role models and maybe we don’t know anyone that has a happy marriage or happy relationship. Some people have this idea that we are attracted to danger.
Why do we date the person who we know is historically unfaithful & a liar? They tell us about their ex and how they cheated on them. However, somehow we still think, they are going to be different with us. Meanwhile, the good person is there. The good guy who is faithful, trustworthy & honest loves you, but we ignore them. I have an example. It’s the Bachelorette.
The bachelorette, is down to three guys. 2 of which are madly in love with her. They tell her that they’re affectionate. They tried to write poems, they sing songs. And all this wonderful stuff. Who does she fall in love with? The guy that doesn’t love her. And he tells her, he breaks her heart. But I think this is symbolic of life. We do this overtime, we see our friends making these decisions.
Love rules our mind. It seems like we are addicted to drugs. We’re really obsessed and we’re compulsive with this idea of love. We can’t sleep either. We can’t eat. When we eat that cheeseburger, it tastes so good. Because now we’re in love, everything is amplified. This is my favorite quote here. – It reminds me of the lady who wants to change the Mr Peter-Pan” the guys, she dates.
“Be open for a real self assessment (things to remember on how to find the right partner)”
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It doesn’t matter to the pigs and it just wastes your time. I am not saying that men are pigs. And in fact if they were pigs,:) (women are just as much pigs) as they are. But why are we constantly trying to change people? We go into this relationship & pigs can not sing. & we keep on trying to get them to sing. & it’s just annoying and it wastes your time.
Meanwhile, you are in that relationship for 2 years. And you’ve wasted all that time when really, there are so many great opportunities out there for you. So, how do we fix this? Short list, but hard. We need to open our hearts to a real self assessment. The woman who did asked for advice, now sat in a circle of all of her friends. We were just chilling out in the backyard having a barbecue.
& she refused to listen to every one of them, who all said the similar thing. We really need to open our heart to a self assessment. What is going on with us? And what are we doing to contribute to these *relationships? What are we afraid of? Do we think we are not worth it? Do we think we need to settle for this person? You have to get healthier. & on the path to becoming healthier we have to get to know ourselves.
“You need to assess the person”
I can’t tell you how many people said – Well, they go out on a date & they go. Oh, I hope that they’ll like me. I say, really?! I hope you like them! Who cares if they like you? You need to assess this person to find out if they are a good fit for you. If our main goal in dating is, I hope, they like me. No wonder we make a very bad decision. & then you have a person who always says.
Let me just put it out there. I am going to tell you everything that I am looking for. I like this kind of person who does this. & who is really interested in this. Well, the weird person who just kind of wants to land you in bed. Is going to tell you all of that thing that you have just told them. So, instead of putting everything there & letting them become who you want, temporarily in order to get what they want.
You really need to take a step back & figure out what are the most important things for you right now. Think of 3 questions. If you really want to get married and have those kids. & you are 35. That should be one of the 1st questions you ask. Are you really interested in getting married? I am not saying tomorrow. But is this in really your plan?
“An important advice on how to choose the right partner – About honesty”
Because there are many people, who say. No way i am okay. Even If I never get married, I will be happy. We have to be more open & bold. We have to know what we really want. And need to be stubborn only about the really important thing. long time back i use to have a friend who said that she didn’t want to date anybody. Who ever did drugs. & Including pot.
And then I said, well, Most people have done drugs. At least once in their lifetime. So, I really don’t know… Is that really important? I could see if they are a pothead & smoking every week. & they’re not going to work. & all those things. I understand. But we need to be really wise about what we are looking for. How about this? Let us be stubborn about something called as honesty. & Is the person honest?
That is the thing, what we want to be stubborn about. There is a saying that A foolish person seeks happiness in the *distance. And the wise person seeks it below their feet. We need to be happy with ourselves. We have to be happy with our *presence. And true happiness will come to us more and more. If we are miserable now. Chances are we will just become more and more miserable.
“Let your prospect meet your friends & family”
As we evaluate our lives ourselves. It’s about our perspective & goals. #1 rule on how to choose the right partner – and a lot of people disagree, but I believe it 100%. Your friends & family must meet your *prospect*. If you feel somewhat uncomfortable & pressured. If you assume, they going to think I am crazy. Maybe that is a problem. You can stage a fake setup. Something like, Oh we just happened to go to this place & oh, look, there is my best friends. Why don’t you join us for a dinner?
Because they will and may be able to tell you if that person is good for you or not. But in fact the problem is we have to listen to them. And it has to happen somewhat early. May be within 3 to 5 dates. You know why? Because that’s when most of the times we fall in love. Within the first 3 or 5 dates. That’s when we are already hooked, you know. May be we do not say it, we may not admit it.
But we know it’s actually true. That’s when we get hooked. Mostly In those early days. That is when we become an addict with our emotions and our lives become un-manageable. So we need to back that up. And just get our 1st impression of somebody right from the start. & if they say, “Run” then you need to run. And don’t pay attention to the someone that says to you: Oh okay, whatever makes you really happy. I trust you always make a good decision.
“Pick a mean friend – tips on how to choose a life partner”
No, Don’t listen to those people. If 3 out of 5 of your friends. Or may be 2 out of 3 say, Oh I don’t know. I’m not kind of feeling it. I’m not thinking they are right for you. Then run, even if you think. Okay but they have so much potential. And we do have so much in common. No, No, you just need to run.
You have to trust your close ones because they are wiser. Most of the time they are much wiser than us. When we’re in the midst of this. Get some ongoing advice. Pick some of your mean friend. Your friend that is so so honest. You are just like, I don not want to ask her. Because I know she is might say something bad. That is the one you want to go to. May be talk to a professional. Or a consultant or a therapist.
You can talk to anyone, just talk to someone who can get a feedback. Pay attention to some of the red flags every day. And be very brave enough to walk away early. Let me tell you again, be brave enough to walk away. True love is possible. If that is the relationship that you’re in now, it can be better too. Never get discouraged, Never get upset. Believe in your ability to analyze things.
“True love is possible”
Trust yourself & also trust your gut sometimes. You can do always it. Never be afraid to ask those questions. And if you are intimidated to ask that important question now. What do you think is really going to happen in 5 years when you have never asked it? Be very brave. You can do it. Action kills fear. The more we learn to do it, the more comfortable we become. Miracles can happen in our lives.
And you must believe true love is possible. Yes, It is possible, if you follow these steps i just mentioned, if you get the right advice. If you listen to your true friends and family who loves you. They love you, they really do. They want what is best for you. Never lie to yourself and tell yourself. Well they are just jealous.
Or they never had a good relationship in their lives. Listen to them, they really love you. It is possible. More blogs coming up on how to choose the right partner & Tips to Avoid Many Mistakes on how to choose a life partner. Stay Connected. Love & Peace 🙂